As if we were dating for a week, these words spew out of his mouth with not even a thought. For me, each time he says it it is soul crushing….and not because I miss him and I want him back, its because 20 years together, 16 years married and 3 kids is a lot to just say move on.
No one ever gets married, just to get divorced. I honestly always believed that marriage was for ever, that’s how I was brought up, that is how it shall be. Well that worked for a little while, but as the years passed and things got worse, I began to realize that this isn’t a life sentance and maybe divorce is an option. Then I would think about the kids, and what it would do to them. Would I be screwing them up? Will they hate me? Am I being selfish? It took me a while but I came to terms with the fact that I was getting divorced!
Relationships are hard, never mind the fact that we dated a whole nine months before I found out I was pregnant. I had graduated college in May and that September I found out I was pregnant! I was shocked, scared, devastated…I was just starting my career in Advertising, I was in a very entry-level position at an agency, but I didn’t care, I was in, this was the first step to becoming the next Angela Bower (You know, the very successful Advertising Exec. from Who’s the Boss?) Yup my career aspiration came from a sitcom I watched growing up. I mean in fairness, if you grew up when I did, it was a pretty good show! I can talk about the awesomeness of the 80’s another time. Right now, I was a 24 year old college graduate that just found out she was pregnant, I was scared. Without hesitation, he grabbed me, gave me the biggest hug and assured me we could do this and we would be ok. I believed him, I trusted him and for that moment we were ok!
We got through the hard part of telling our parents. Our dads took it the best. My mom was embarrassed I was having a child out of wedlock and his mom didn’t think I could handle it because I was Irish and the Irish drink. I could handle my mom, I knew she would get over it. I still haven’t gotten over the Irish comment, and little did I know that that would set the tone for our relationship and what the future would hold. I wanted to prove that I could do this and I would do this! I did find myself agreeing to and doing things that I normally wouldn’t. I have never been one to do things to impress others, but here I was. I had never really been exposed to fully Italian family. I learned quickly that they seceretly like to try and out do each other. Birthdays, Showers, Christenings, Communions….over the top! Now this is all fine and good if you can afford this, but as a recent college grad, and a part-time postal worker, our budget wasn’t really in any condition to take on these kinds of tall orders. Oh but I tried…and mostly succeeded, we just accumulated a ton of debt along the way. This debt is now salt in the wounds of a failed marriage.
As time passed, my depression grew and my confidence dwindled little by little. You know the saying Happy Wife = Happy Life, well that wasn’t in the cards for us. It was almost impossible actually, I let this man mentally, verbally and physically abuse me. He preyed on my weaknesses any chance he could. After a long day home with the kids he would come home mad because I didn’t have a hot snack waiting for him and he would proceed to question what I did all day. Ugh! Pair that with the occasional physical abuse and I was a hot mess. On the outside, all appeared normal, but inside I was crumbling. I was mad at myself for allowing the abuse and sad that it was even happening. It takes a real tough guy to belittle the mother of his children but then for him to put his hands on me too? Gross. It was always the same, it would happen, he would be remorseful and apologize. I would then forgive him, until the last time. The last time, there was no remorse, no sorry. He actually convinced himself that I deserved it. Yup, that is when I knew it was time to end this shit. My kids had already witnessed enough, all I was doing was teaching my sons how NOT to treat a woman and my daughter was learning that it was OK to be treated like crap by a guy. NOPE. NOT MY KIDS! This ends now!
He has been out of the house for over a year and we are still working through the details of the divorce. I look forward to being free. For now I use those words….JUST MOVE ON as a reminder that I 100% whole heartedly made the right decision to end our marriage.