It’s time. I purchased this site about one year ago. I had such plans when I first lost my job. This was going to be great, I will have more time with the kids…I was going to write. I am going to finally figure out what I was going to do with my life. Hello Cathi, you are 42! Why don’t you know this already??? And oh yes, I will blog all about it! Well here we are 1 year later and…..I haven’t written a damn thing!
It’s not that I haven’t thought about it. I mean this year has been nuts. Let’s see, losing my job, ending my marriage, followed by my oldest son’s senior year which should be absolutely epic, my daughter’s first communion, a confirmation, a graduation, prom, sports, GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!…who wouldn’t be spilling their guts all over the wild wild web?? Well to me that’s the problem. TMI!! We have become a society of tell, tell, tell, show, show, show!! NOTHING seems special anymore. I don’t know, maybe it is just me and I am in a funk but I am all about keeping things close to my heart and really trying to appreciate the moment. Time goes by way to fast and with all of this technology lately we are spending too much time trying to capture the moment that we don’t actually live in the moment. All of this technology wasn’t around when I was young, but yet my memories are so vivid! I can name for you every one of my elementary school teachers…K-6…after that it gets blurry, why? I am sure I could correlate it back to some sort of digital device that was introduced at the time. But let’s face it, at the time we embraced it all and were excited for the next new “gadget” . Slowly to realize, one by one that it could be potentially destroying us as a society. I came from a time of party lines and 3 way calling. I personally now hate talking on the phone and find a text will do, but let’s be honest. A text….with your parents? Your Family? How fucking impersonal is that? Seriously, think about it. I can remember having Sunday Dinners….EVERY Sunday with my family, immediate and extended. NOW we are lucky to have that once a year and the kicker the kids think that is too much and can barely get away from their devices to enjoy that time.
I purchased this site as a way to remind myself what exactly is my WHY. My why get out of bed, why face another day. I suffer from depression…most days and most people don’t know this…but if you are close…you know. If you are in my circle, I love you hard and fierce! I care more than most, I would do what ever it takes to make sure you are happy, healthy and safe! I hate burdening others with my shit…so I don’t. I am ok. I always have been, I always will be! I just have those days when I wish to God, someone would say…Cathi, I got this, I got you!
I mention all of this because, I get angry at myself. You have 3 healthy kids, You have/had a career, you have/had a marriage…why be so sad? Well that is the shit ass sucky part about depression. It makes no sense…if I could just be happy all the time, I would be. I didn’t ask for the periods of needing to be in the fetal position. I didn’t ask for the extreme exhaustion that seems never ending and I surely didn’t ask for the need/want to alienate myself from every one and everything for days on end. Do you know what it is like to say to your child…I am sorry Mommy just doesn’t feel good today…or I am sorry that Mommy seems so sad…it is not you…or I wish I could get out of bed…I am sorry!
I honestly don’t know why I suffer from depression, I have a slight idea of when it started…but I can tell you that it sucks. I can tell you that anyone suffering does not want to be, and if they seem sad, rather than telling them to toughen up buttercup, let them know you are there for them, give them their space but let them know when they need you, you will be there!
So today I decided its time. I will write, share and repair. Sometimes I will be funny, sometimes I will suck ass…but It’s me and at the end of the day….I am doing it all for me, my two boys, my girl. My whole world!