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Move on…just move on!

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As if we were dating for a week, these words spew out of his mouth with not even a thought. For me, each time he says it it is soul crushing….and not because I miss him and I want him back, its because 20 years together, 16 years married and 3 kids is a lot to just say move on.

No one ever gets married, just to get divorced. I honestly always believed that marriage was for ever, that’s how I was brought up, that is how it shall be. Well that worked for a little while, but as the years passed and things got worse, I began to realize that this isn’t a life sentance and maybe divorce is an option. Then I would think about the kids, and what it would do to them. Would I be screwing them up? Will they hate me? Am I being selfish? It took me a while but I came to terms with the fact that I was getting divorced!

Relationships are hard, never mind the fact that we dated a whole nine months before I found out I was pregnant. I had graduated college in May and that September I found out I was pregnant! I was shocked, scared, devastated…I was just starting my career in Advertising, I was in a very entry-level position at an agency, but I didn’t care, I was in, this was the first step to becoming the next Angela Bower (You know, the very successful Advertising Exec. from Who’s the Boss?) Yup my career aspiration came from a sitcom I watched growing up. I mean in fairness, if you grew up when I did, it was a pretty good show! I can talk about the awesomeness of the 80’s another time. Right now, I was a 24 year old college graduate that just found out she was pregnant, I was scared. Without hesitation, he grabbed me, gave me the biggest hug and assured me we could do this and we would be ok. I believed him, I trusted him and for that moment we were ok!

We got through the hard part of telling our parents. Our dads took it the best. My mom was embarrassed I was having a child out of wedlock and his mom didn’t think I could handle it because I was Irish and the Irish drink. I could handle my mom, I knew she would get over it. I still haven’t gotten over the Irish comment, and little did I know that that would set the tone for our relationship and what the future would hold. I wanted to prove that I could do this and I would do this! I did find myself agreeing to and doing things that I normally wouldn’t. I have never been one to do things to impress others, but here I was. I had never really been exposed to fully Italian family. I learned quickly that they seceretly like to try and out do each other. Birthdays, Showers, Christenings, Communions….over the top! Now this is all fine and good if you can afford this, but as a recent college grad, and a part-time postal worker, our budget wasn’t really in any condition to take on these kinds of tall orders. Oh but I tried…and mostly succeeded, we just accumulated a ton of debt along the way. This debt is now salt in the wounds of a failed marriage.

As time passed, my depression grew and my confidence dwindled little by little. You know the saying Happy Wife = Happy Life, well that wasn’t in the cards for us. It was almost impossible actually, I let this man mentally, verbally and physically abuse me. He preyed on my weaknesses any chance he could. After a long day home with the kids he would come home mad because I didn’t have a hot snack waiting for him and he would proceed to question what I did all day. Ugh! Pair that with the occasional physical abuse and I was a hot mess. On the outside, all appeared normal, but inside I was crumbling. I was mad at myself for allowing the abuse and sad that it was even happening. It takes a real tough guy to belittle the mother of his children but then for him to put his hands on me too? Gross. It was always the same, it would happen, he would be remorseful and apologize. I would then forgive him, until the last time. The last time, there was no remorse, no sorry. He actually convinced himself that I deserved it. Yup, that is when I knew it was time to end this shit. My kids had already witnessed enough, all I was doing was teaching my sons how NOT to treat a woman and my daughter was learning that it was OK to be treated like crap by a guy. NOPE. NOT MY KIDS! This ends now!

He has been out of the house for over a year and we are still working through the details of the divorce. I look forward to being free. For now I use those words….JUST MOVE ON as a reminder that I 100% whole heartedly made the right decision to end our marriage.

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Yup I voted…

i voted sticker spool on white surface
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But to be honest, the topics are just so heated that in situations like that I tend to back off.  I am not saying they don’t impact me, but at this given moment what my focus is? My little bubble…my 3 why’s…when everyone is arguing politics, I am thinking about the fact that my son isn’t doing so awesome in English or wow my daughter loves to read this year and the big one…how is my son doing in his first year of college, is he making good choices, is he studying as hard as he can? Is he eating ok…oh man when was the last time he washed his sheets???? These are things going through my head. I am not saying that because you feel strongly about a political topic you don’t care about your kids, I am just saying I already have so many things that keep me up at night that I just can’t fit politics in right now. I think about the money that gets spent on these campaigns and I think….wow, imagine what that money could have been used for? This is why I can’t get involved in politics…imagine if a politician took the money raised and instead of spending it on their campaign, they gave it to the homeless, cancer research, the opioid crisis? Imagine that. Instead of showing what you will do when in office let us see what you can do now before you get there! Maybe something like this happens on a small scale, again I don’t follow politics hard enough to know, but from what I have seen…I am pretty sure it’s not happening.

I am trying to raise my kids to be kind, compassionate, strong, empathetic adults. I don’t agree with all of this spewing of hatred. I feel like as a society we are evolving into one big ball of chaos and it is just not a stress that our kids need added to their plate. I think we all just need to slow down, smell the roses, focus on our own little bubbles and choose kindness.

 

Intro

It’s Time

clock close up time
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It’s time. I purchased this site about one year ago. I had such plans when I first lost my job. This was going to be great, I will have more time with the kids…I was going to write. I am going to finally figure out what I was going to do with my life. Hello Cathi, you are 42! Why don’t you know this already???  And oh yes, I will blog all about it! Well here we are 1 year later and…..I haven’t written a damn thing!

It’s not that I haven’t thought about it. I mean this year has been nuts. Let’s see, losing my job, ending my marriage, followed by my oldest son’s senior year which should be absolutely epic, my daughter’s first communion, a confirmation, a graduation, prom, sports, GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!…who wouldn’t be spilling their guts all over the wild wild web?? Well to me that’s the problem. TMI!! We have become a society of tell, tell, tell, show, show, show!! NOTHING seems special anymore. I don’t know, maybe it is just me and I am in a funk but I am all about keeping things close to my heart and really trying to appreciate the moment. Time goes by way to fast and with all of this technology lately we are spending too much time trying to capture the moment that we don’t actually live in the moment. All of this technology wasn’t around when I was young, but yet my memories are so vivid! I can name for you every one of my elementary school teachers…K-6…after that it gets blurry, why? I am sure I could correlate it back to some sort of digital device that was introduced at the time. But let’s face it, at the time we embraced it all and were excited for the next new “gadget” . Slowly to realize, one by one that it could be potentially destroying us as a society. I came from a time of party lines and 3 way calling. I personally now hate talking on the phone and find a text will do, but let’s be honest. A text….with your parents? Your Family? How fucking impersonal is that? Seriously, think about it. I can remember having Sunday Dinners….EVERY Sunday with my family, immediate and extended.  NOW we are lucky to have that once a year and the kicker the kids think that is too much and can barely get away from their devices to enjoy that time.

I purchased this site as a way to remind myself what exactly is my WHY. My why get out of bed, why face another day. I suffer from depression…most days and most people don’t know this…but if you are close…you know. If you are in my circle, I love you hard and fierce! I care more than most, I would do what ever it takes to make sure you are happy, healthy and safe! I hate burdening others with my shit…so I don’t. I am ok. I always have been, I always will be! I just have those days when I wish to God, someone would say…Cathi, I got this, I got you!

I mention all of this because, I get angry at myself. You have 3 healthy kids, You have/had a career, you have/had a marriage…why be so sad? Well that is the shit ass sucky part about depression. It makes no sense…if I could just be happy all the time, I would be. I didn’t ask for the periods of needing to be in the fetal position. I didn’t ask for the extreme exhaustion that seems never ending and I surely didn’t ask for the need/want to alienate myself from every one and everything for days on end. Do you know what it is like to say to your child…I am sorry Mommy just doesn’t feel good today…or I am sorry that Mommy seems so sad…it is not you…or I wish I could get out of bed…I am sorry!

I honestly don’t know why I suffer from depression, I have a slight idea of when it started…but I can tell you that it sucks. I can tell you that anyone suffering does not want to be, and if they seem sad, rather than telling them to toughen up buttercup, let them know you are there for them, give them their space but let them know when they need you, you will be there!

So today I decided its time. I will write, share and repair. Sometimes I will be funny, sometimes I will suck ass…but It’s me and at the end of the day….I am doing it all for me, my two boys, my girl. My whole world!